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A breakdown of Eli and Peyton Manning's rap commercial

For those of you who haven’t seen the world’s greatest rap video, I’ve taken the liberty of embedding it here, please watch before you continue:

5 million You Tube views later…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jn5zytfm9No

It’s football!  On your phone!

Where on earth do I begin with this one?  First of all, this is one of the finest DirecTV commercials that I have ever had the fortune of seeing.

First of all, Eli Manning, a two-time Super Bowl winning quarterback, is dressed up like an N*SYNC-era Justin Timberlake, and his brother, arguably the greatest quarterback of his generation, looks like, well, I’m not really quite sure what he looks like.  There they sit in a barber shop, talking about how Eli now gets football on his phone.

Then all heck breaks loose.  Where did those three women come from?  And how did they harmonize so well about something that spontaneously came up in conversation?

Something seems fishy here.

Eli and Peyton then start “spitting mad rhymes” (as the kids say) like this:

Eli: “It’s football on your phone that’s what I said.”

Peyton: “It’s football on your phone you can watch it in bed.”

This commercial would already be a winner, but then the greatness starts: Eli wants to ask us a question.  The series of words that are then said by Eli and Peyton launch this commercial into another stratosphere.  I’ve transcribed them all for your reading pleasure.

1.     Eli: “What do you get when a football gets down with your phone?

2.     Peyton: “If you’re on a date with Symone?/If you’re taking out a small loan?/When you’re sitting on your throne?/When   you’re buttering a scone?”

3.     Peyton: “Football on your phone means football all the time?” Eli: “Do you want that?” (complete with Archie Manning cameo)

4.     Peyton: “What do you think Alexander Graham Bell would say if he saw you watching football on your phone?”  Eli: Who cares? Dude’s dead.”

In the middle of all that, Eli makes easily the greatest and strangest metaphor of all time:

It’s like I spilled milk all over your blouse by accident (or on purpose), it’s like the milk is like football, and your blouse is the phone.

Incredible.  Just when you think Eli’s Saturday Night Live hosting gig was as good as it got…BAM!  Football!  On your phone! 

Joe Vasile | Featured Columnist